Friends

I have the most amazing friends. In the past few weeks they've:

- Sent me random funny messages because they know I needed a laugh

- Listened to me rant, then defended me fiercely again any enemy (real or imaginary)

- Patiently sat with me without needing to know the details of why I was sad

- Felt offended when I didn't confide enough 

- Made sure to keep in contact, despite the miles and time difference

- Let me have a random hug and cry, whenever I needed it

- Watched anime or went on adventures or found yummy foods or left me alone, just being there

- Complimented me on make-up (it's exciting, ok :P)

You know who you are. Thank you.

FYI

Christmas shirt - Check
Matching socks - Check
Christmas earrings in - Check
Presents wrapped - Umm, almost!
Cheese bought - Check

It's the Christmas season guys. Just in case you had missed it.

Frost

My faith has been struggling lately. There are a lot of facets to life that just don't fit smoothly into Christianity. That's the way it should be and it's just a part of life, but it doesn't always make it easy to understand. I'd verbalize my questions to you except that I'm not really sure what they are yet. There are days when I feel like pursuing God is hopeless and all of the answers that any of my wise mentors can give me simply feel flat.

Then, there was this morning. A delicate frost covers everything, even the spiderwebs, and I can feel the magic. I can envision an all-powerful painter taking joy in his work as he carefully blows frost onto every surface, smiling as his children wonder at this masterpiece.

I know that there is a secular, scientific explanation for this, but on days like today, a tiny hope blossoms that this secular knowledge can co-exist with God.

Ruckus

Meet Ruckus, my new squishable narwhal! He is a wonderful pillow and snuggle buddy :3

Savouring Christmas

It's starting! It's finally here!

I love Christmas. I love giving gifts, I love the laughter, I love the emotions, I love the celebrations, I love seeing my extended family, I love the joy.

I think most of all I love the fact that people are willing to be vulnerable at Christmas. Those who find it difficult to express affection suddenly find a new avenue through presents. Yes, Christmas is about more than things, but sometimes those gifts symbolize a type of love that you don't get to see other times of year.

For some people, Christmas is hectic, stressed, or sad. But I'm excited to celebrate with my friends and family, hopefully infecting them with a bit of my joy and love for them.

Looking Forward

I'm not particularly excited to graduate. My friends are wonderful and learning has (almost always) been a joy. School is a safety net where I find purpose and belonging wrapped up in a neat package. Except, it's time to leave and enter the real world.

To drum up some excitement about this transition, I have a list of things I'm looking forward to about graduation:

1. I COULD GET A CAT ONE DAY SOON
2. Setting up a kitchen of my own
3. Exploring new places
4. Meeting new people and hearing more stories
5. Settling in a church
6. Having time to learn what I want to learn
7. Living with my family again (I know, I know, I'm the worst young adult ever)
8. Not having to constantly discuss things I just don't care about
9. And being able to have the discussions I am interested in
10. Not needing to move once every eight months or less
11. Cooking with my mom
12. Becoming a real adult
13. Starting a life that is all my own
14. Having my very own potted plants ^.^
15. Maybe doing some bird-watching again

"Favourite"

I spell a few things "wrong," most prominently the word "favourite." Some people probably think it's because I'm showing, others that I'm trying to be cool in some way. But the reality is that I left a part of my heart in England. I miss the cobble stones, the sense of age, the tea, the accents, the grocery stores, the chocolate, the churches, the international feeling, the libraries, the academic rigor, my roommate, my walking buddy. I just want to go back and spend a few days there with everyone. But I can't. And I also know that there are people here who missed me and that constantly talking about how much I loved England is inappropriate.

So, instead, I add a "u" to certain words. It's a way of honouring my experiences without living in the past. It's a little thing, but every time I tell someone about my favourite colour, it makes me smile.

A Beautiful Mind

Yesterday I saw A Beautiful Mind for the first time. It's the first movie in my life that has made me cry. It wasn't John's goodbye to his invisible friends (my favourite characters) or when his wife chooses to stay with him or when he gets the Nobel Prize. Those are all lovely moments, but the part that made me want to bawl was when John gets those pens from his peers. The recognition of his ability to function through incredible odds and his determination is just so rare and wonderful.

It made me think of all the parents, sisters, brothers, wives, and children who suffer from similar diseases, but without the acknowledgement of their work. Even if it's "just" depression, ADD, anxiety, or one of the higher functioning mental illnesses, how often does anyone praise the hard work it takes to get out of bed? How many people struggle through this alone? How many have we forgotten and neglected because they don't met society's standards for successful?

I don't know what it's like to live with autism or schizophrenia or chronic depression, but from the stories I've been told, it can feel as if you are walking through hell. Please take the time to recognize that. Don't just tolerate those who are struggling - honor them. Because overcoming those odds, no matter how small the battle, deserves our praise.

Hot Cider

I love cider! That's all. I wanted to be all poetic about it, but I'm not super good at that sort of thing. So we'll just leave it at loving cider :D

Forgotten Heroes

Rachel Carson, author of Silent Spring, might be my new hero. She wrote on the dangers of pesticides, including a chapter on how they cause cancer. That's pretty standard - the truly admirable thing is that while she wrote that chapter, she was suffering from cancer herself. She was staring her own death in the face and didn't flinch. Then, she had to withstand verbal attacks from the chemical industry as she was mired in an awful controversy over the role of pesticides in America. This was the last year of Carson's life, and she chose to spend it arguing for the cause and the world she loved. This being said, Carson was a gentle person who liked her privacy and refused to verbally attack those who tried to discredit her.

Carson was a tiny lady - people were often shocked at her stature when they met her. But she started the modern American environmental movement with just her books and her genuine concern for life. I can have nothing but admiration for her and I am grateful for my opportunity to research her impact more fully. Carson was not perfect, of course, but her contribution to society is still worth considering today.

Learning to Laugh

Always be willing to laugh at yourself.

It's advice I've always heard, but never put into practice. Criticism has mostly seemed to need more respect than simple laughter - even joking. So when someone tries to tease me about one of my flaws, I don't tease back. Instead I go into a spiral of sad self-doubt and insecurity, because all shortcomings must be fixed.

However, the other day my boyfriend was teasing me about something, and I choose to laugh instead of spin off into a puddle of sad. It made so much difference. Now, this is a joke instead of something to be gulity about. Something we can talk together about instead of me attempting to hide. And something I can monitor and fix with his support instead of me working alone. What a wonderful feeling!

There are definitely times when I need to seriously consider my failures, but other times, laughter is the best way to go. Interesting life lesson for me.

Perfect in Love

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
- John 4:18

Being a child of God means I am perfectly loved. God loves me in every moment of all of my days. When I am lonely, he loves me. When I doubt, he loves me. When I feel inadequate, he still manages to love me. This is more than the loving patience of my parents, it’s so strong it casts out fear.

Therefore, as a child of God, I have no need to worry about my future. It holds whatever God wants it to contain. If God wants me in grad school, he will make that clear – hopefully by setting some sort of passion in my path to actually study. If he wants me to be hopping around everywhere, I can do that too. It’s God’s life, not mine. The only job he has given me is to become more perfect in love – becoming more faithful and less afraid. Yes, my occupation could have a role in this, but it is not my primary function. Thank the Lord!

Child of God

“So then, the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.”
Galatians 3:24-26

Most Christians have heard that they are children of God. As a church, we enjoy claiming this gift because it brings us into closer relationship with God, giving us a starting point from which to define our relationship.

Now, imagine a world where all Christians actually lived like that. Our value and identity would come from God alone instead of from our work, looks, successes, hobbies, and even our earthly family. This tends to preclude nasty things like arrogance, greed, and competition. Yes, we would need enough to survive, but past that we wouldn’t need any more stuff.

Yes, this was a simple and short post, but I want to be thinking every day about what being a child of God really means. I want to put my value in him instead of in the world. It’s a powerful idea that the church has not explored to its fullest extent. In fact, it is the place that all Christians need to consider as they walk with God. The moment a person accepts Christ, God adopts them as a child. He is their guardian – not the law and not the church. Identity comes straight from him, as if each Christian bears his name instead of individual surnames.

Value Problem

Over the years, I have connected my self-worth to academics. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if it hadn’t been for my boyfriend and the constant reminder that I am not a terribly academically minded person. I mean, I don’t particularly want to be a valedictorian, but I am filled with jealousy of the idea of him claiming that special honour. Part of it is that I selfishly think that I could be there, but I studied at Oxford and “killed” my GPA. But that is just a petty excuse – the real problem goes far deeper.

It turns out that I am unable to comprehend that I am a valuable person if I cannot be the best at something, particularly academics. Some people handle this sort of jealousy with ease and are able to shrug it off, maybe with a small pang. Not me. I get extremely frustrated with the people I can’t “beat,” growling at them in anger if they try to help me. I don’t want assistance – it hurts my pride – but they hear my irritation as a plea for a problem-solver. It’s really a cry for meaning, for someone to tell me that I really do mean more than just my academic standing. Maybe even encourage me that there is a job that I could do well.

All that to say, I apparently have a value problem. However, I refuse to be bitter and competitive, jealous of others’ success and always dissatisfied with my life. So, I’m going to try doing a month of blogs of what it means to have value in God. Fundamentally, I am a child of God and nothing can take that from me. I’ll probably focus primarily on single Bible verses, which is not particularly theologically sound, but I hope to pick out themes that are reflected in other parts of the Bible. And maybe, just maybe, I will actually remember to complete this project now that I have shared it with you.

Thoughts on Surrender

Freshman year of college I went through a questioning phase, which was the inspiration for this blog and its title. I used to cover my hands in writing, hoping that if I wrote out my questions the answers might appear. Well, they didn't, but this is an example of my stubborn drive to question God. For years I've used independence as a protection from loneliness as I did my own thing instead of feeling left out when my friends did things without me. Basically, I don't like the concept of surrender and I generally fight against it as much as possible.

However, at Grace Baptist this week the sermon (after the Memorial Day speech) was about submitting to God. The pastor noted that:
- Understanding our lack of control is an essential quality of maturity
- "Remember, you will always lose when you enter into war with God"

What does it mean to surrender to someone? I always believed that those who live their lives in submission are minions of their masters. Probably much of this comes from my staunchly feminist mom, but it is truly hard for me to see the beauty in surrender. Questioning and struggling are a part of growth, but they are parts of independence and freedom, rather than submission.

It seems as if the Bible says that submission leads to freedom and growth, allowing independence to fall to the wayside. But that's not a parallel for life. Yes, we need community, but community can also stifle if it becomes a crutch. At least, that's how I've always seen it. I often think that my best work is done alone, without the help of others.

Surrender to God and you will find peace. How many times have I heard this phrase? But how can I properly surrender without giving up? The two ideas are mutually exclusive, but apparently not. Perhaps there is a way to keep questioning without being independent of God. Asking questions has always been my challenge to God, but shoving him away hasn't gotten me closer to answers.

I think I am confusing two different types of surrender: submission to God and submission to man. The first is good, the second is not exactly my idea of a healthy life. My life, my mind, is my own, not my future husband's or my father's. Sometimes I feel like I struggle constantly with maintaining my own identity outside of a patriarchal culture and I take this stubbornness into the way I approach Christianity. God is not human. He is perfectly trustworthy and wholly loving, so surrender to him could be the most beautiful part of life.

I'll probably struggle with surrender and trust my entire life, especially as I see the lure of independence and the lack of complications it appears to give. That's why this post is so disjointed and a bit odd. I'm just not entirely sure what surrendering means, but I think it is important both in my relationship with others and in my walk with God.  

Memorial Day

Today, Grace Baptist honored those in the congregation who had served in the armed forces. Honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Part of it is that I am close to a pacifist and I don't particularly like war or anything that comes close to honoring it. However, this was different - not praising war, but saluting people. I may not understand the reason why anyone would want to join the armed forces, but that is because I am a selfish, stubborn kid who has no interest in going to bootcamp. The scarfice of others who defend my country is precious to me and recognizing it in all communities is important. Hence Memorial Day.

But I think the church has a responsibility to accompany praise of soldiers with a prayer for peace. As precious as the service of troops is for the country, I would prefer they weren't needed. The suffering of was has no place in the world and it is a primary responsibility of the church to encourage peace.

This idea was completely absent from Grace Baptist's service. Other than that, I appreciated the sermon and the way it memorialized veterans. However, at the end, what if it had had a prayer for peace? What if in churches we could find a balance between supporting sacrifice and encouraging peace?

Graduating

I'm graduating in six and a half months.

That's half a year folks. Until I will be out of school, possibly for good.

Some people cheer about this, but I personally like school. I'm pretty good at it, not the absolute best, but good enough to get noticed. It's pretty fun and, frankly, I'm not gonna fail at it. Perhaps not do as well as I would like, but if I work hard my grades will come out ok. Leaving academics is a sad thought for me, and while I could go to grad school and get my masters and so on, I'm not sure I actually care enough to do so. There is no one topic that fascinates me to the point where I would give up years of my life to pursue it, so no grad school for me! (Yet anyway. No promises. Wouldn't be surprised if I went back to school for fun if I had the money).

All this to say that I am graduating and I have no plan. None at all. And I'm scared stiff. I've always had a plan: middle school to high school to college to job. Now that I'm at the job part, everything seems a but more challenging. I don't know what to do with my degree and I don't know what I want to do with my life. There are so many choices, and yet I don't really want to do any of them. Part of that is just whining, who really wants to be working anyway, but part of that is legitimate confusion. So many people seem to have plans and I'm that little kid with the useless degree. In fact, that degree that my parents and grandparents paid for - what if I don't use it? What if I let them down? Normally I would wrap this up with a hopeful note about God and prayer and Happy Things, but I don't have any at this moment. I just got home, why am I going to be leaving it again in only six months? It'll all be ok, somehow, but the transition isn't going to be easy in any case.

Permanence

I've done a lot of unpacking this year and I seem to have gotten it all down to a reasonable amount of stuff. Ok, ok, my room at home is a rat's nest, but the pile that goes places is moderately organized. Basically, I choose kitchen supplies and bedding on the assumption that I have to pack them up at least once a year, if not more. This bothers me. Like many college students, I don't own a set of non-plastic dishes, a collection of spices, or more than 3 pots. I feel this need to settle down, if only so I could have a place to store all these things.

Leaving aside the fact that I equate settling down with the number of pots I possess, I'm noticing more and more that I am putting things on hold until I find a permanent place. Getting a kitchen set is a good example, but also included are finding a home church, volunteering in the community, having a satisfying job, and building new relationships. After a year of moving from one location to the next, I'm ready to stay put in a single home.

Unfortunately, I don't get to stay anywhere for long. First the summer, then graduation, then who knows! All I know is that I want to go home, wherever that is, and stay there for a really long time. Until then, however, I'm going to have to keep settling down in various places. That probably includes redefining my idea of what I can do in a short term place... Even though I want nothing else to disengage until I can find a new home.

Blogging Part II: Home

Some of you know that I used to have a blog that was less oriented toward stories and more towards, well, randomness. It was a place for me to think out loud and occasionally get feedback from others. I want to continue that, especially as I move towards graduation in the fall. I have a lot of decisions to make and a great many changes in the next 6-8 months. It's important to me that I try to keep considering how to deal with those changes instead of hiding from them.

Therefore, I'm turning this blog into more of a reflective, random, and sometimes political collection of thoughts. My focus is not on grammar, spelling, or good writing, but simply on attempting to organize my thoughts. This means that there will be typos. Grammar Nazis be warned, you are not welcome here. Leave your commas and other oddities at the door.

One last thing: if you have any life experiences or stories to share about how you handled post-college transitions, job hunting, and/or relationships, please share. Honestly, please do. I need as much help as I can get.

Museums, Clocks, and Squirrels

On Saturday I went to London for the day. We went to the British Museum and then walked to the Churchill War Rooms. On the way to the War Rooms, we walked past a rally in front of Downing Street (an ineffective one, since I have no idea what they wanted) and Trafalgar Square. A very exciting walk to be sure. However, the War Rooms were very expensive to get in, so I just wandered around the area for a bit - unexpectedly running into many major British landmarks.

First I ran into the parade grounds... That I didn't even know were the parade grounds until I went into the museum. Sometimes I think being at Oxford has just helped me reach new levels of spaciness.

The Horse Guard Parade Grounds. Unfortunately minus horses.

Then I went into the Cavalry Museum. Which is both warm and informative, though small. It was fun to learn something about the history of the Horse Guards as well as some about their horses (the actual thing that interested me in the first place).

Calvary Hats! They certainly know how to make a spectacular hat.

A lady's dance sign-up card for all the handsome officers who want to claim her for a set

 After the museum, I went and ate my snack in the park. Which was splendid and peaceful and sunny, until the squirrel climbed up my knee. Twice. I think he's rather cute, don't you?

 Then I met up with my friend who toured the War Rooms. We got a bit lost and ran into Big Ben. Just accidentally. No big deal.

 

Then, as we wandered to the station (in the correct direction this time), we ran into Buckingham Palace! It's awe-inspiring, especially when you aren't expecting it. All in all, a grand day in London.

Palm Sunday

Today I went to an Anglican Palm Sunday service at the local parish church. Growing up in very non-traditional Protestant churches, this was an intriguing experience for me. First we "processed" from one small room back to our seats after having our palm branch crosses blessed. Apparently these are supposed to be burnt after the service at some point and then the ashes are used on Ash Wednesday. Quite a logical idea, actually. We were supposed to go from the church offices about ten minutes away, but the icey conditions made that impossible for the many older people who can't walk quite as well. So we happily sang the hymns and processed around the small church, quickly finding our seats.

Then the priest (or the priest's minion - I don't know the proper names, ok?) filled the air with incense as he honoured the palm crosses, the communion table, and the priest reading the Gospel of Luke. This reading took the place of the sermon as we listened to the several chapters of Christ's passion - possibly the first time I have heard it read aloud in church all at once. Communion was the same, however, creating a sense of continuity. Even though this is the holiest week of the church calendar, it is still a part of our ordinary lives with God.

The traditions, the liturgy, the hymns, and the respect for scripture made me think about the benefits about both types of churches I have attended here. Both are valuable and I do not understand why some are so determined to reject the other. The Nicene Creed that is recited every week in this Anglican Churches says that all who ascribe to it believe in "one holy catholic church" and I wish that this could be seen in Christian life.

My Week in Timezones

It's been a while... Sorry for my lack of posts! I just finished Oxford's 8-week term, so I am done with my tutorials. However, I am still here for another 4 weeks while I take classes with the program I came with. It's rather confusing, but basically, I am done with my official Oxford education and now I am taking two different classes: British Landscapes and a History Seminar. You'll be hearing a lot about British Landscapes because we go on field trips to various historical sites around the country - starting with Stonehenge and Sailsbury tomorrow! I get to see one of the original four copies of the Magna Carta. Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!! :D I'm a tiny bit excited. Just a little bit.

Anyway, because we just finished term, we all got five days off for our spring break. I went home to Finland with my Finnish friend and we had a lovely time relaxing and freezing in 20 degree weather. Pictures and stories to come!

But to give you an idea of the craziness of my life, here are the changing times I had to deal with:

On Thursday I was 8 hours ahead of my family in Seattle.
On Friday I went to Finland, then I was 10 hours ahead.
On Saturday America (but not Europe) observed daylight savings time, making me 9 hours ahead.
On Wednesday I traveled "home" to England and am currently sitting at 7 hours ahead - until Saturday, then it's back to 8 hours.

This is the craziness of my life right now. Places have become home in a way I never could have seen several months ago. I am doing things that I never imagined being able to do and I'm growing because of them.

I think the timezones of this week demonstrate this very well. I'll get back to stories and pictures tomorrow.

Easter

I'm excited for Easter. It might be my favorite holiday of the year. As I learn more and more about the world, the church, and just people in general, I find it so hard to find hope without an undercurrent of fear or shame. Except on Easter.

Easter is a day when families gather together.
When Jesus rose from the dead.
When I can celebrate God's power instead of stuggling with my sin.
When Christianity shows its best face to the world: hope, joy, love reflected in Christ.

This is a day when I can be unashamedly happy. Jesus rose from the dead and I can celebrate that with believers all over the world without worrying about denomination or practice. Because, on Easter, the focus is on my Lord, not on the world's arguements.

On a less spiritual note, I love Easter because I don't have Easter traditions. My family and I rarely do the same thing for Easter twice in a row, so anywhere can feel like home. I don't have to wistfully wish that they are around me, I can celebrate with my friends without an awful gloom of homesickness.

I love Easter and its just around the corner!

Dinner

The past weeks have been so busy. But I'm down to one more week of term, then off to Finland for five days! Then I come back and do... things. I'll explain that in another post. Basically I'm almost done with my official Oxford classes, then I will take two more seminars with my program (SCIO).

But, enough of the boring academics. I had a lovely dinner tonight and, while there are no photos, I wanted to share my joy with you :D

1 fresh, warm, organic baguette from Tesco
Fresh cucumber
Mild cheddar cheese (a smooth, heavenly cheese that just dissolves in your mouth)

Now, these three things are boring on their own. But I can't cook. So, my solution was to buy balasmic vinegar. Combined with a simple oil olive, it turned my bread and cucumbers into a happy delight. The cheese was just there because, well, when do I not want cheese?

Later tonight will come tea, scones, and chocolate. Also probably more bread...

All in all, a wonderful and simply meal. Especially since I can't cook.

This Week

As you might have noticed, there have been very few posts this week. That's because I had two essays due yesterday and then another project is due on Monday. I'm not quite done but I'm getting there.

This is how my week has felt:


When I wake up again, I'll be posting more things!

Valentine's from Home!

I've never been a big Valentine's Day person. Getting the candy from friends was always nice when I was little, but I've always thought the cards and hearts were a tiny bit tacky. However, this Valentine's Day is different. It doesn't matter how much I like the traditions, I want my boyfriend here. Tea with friends is a truly lovely thing, but I'm sure you'll agree that it simply isn't the same.

So when I got a package from my boyfriend containing my Valentine's present, I was just a bit excited. Well, first confused because it was about as large as my torso and I had to lug it up a hill... But! After that it was so nice to have something from him to open. It's like I got a visit! Or I tell myself that anyway.

So, that was going to be the end of my Valentine's Day, which was more than fine with me. He didn't even get a present from me, just a sappy letter.

But then! I check my mail a couple days ago and there's a card! With adorable stamps (postage and traditional ink ones)! It's from his mom and it says "lovely" on the front. I have only met her a few times and I don't particularly know her well, so there was no need at all for a Valentine's card. But I got one. And it made me happy.

So! This is a picture of my Valentine's Day. I'm so grateful for the people who reach out and send me a bit of home.

Oranges and Wonderful Roommates

There has been a disease spreading through my house. One by one my friends have succumbed. It starts with a sore throat and then devolves into coughing, exhaustion, and a blocked-up nose. Basically, no work gets done for a couple of days once you get this. When you have a week to write and research a paper, a couple of days is not an insignificant amount of time.

Today I woke up with a sore throat.

I told my roommate and her immediate reaction: "Eat oranges! Drink water! Back in bed. NOW."

My roomie is wonderful. I'm going to do nothing today. Time to put the tea kettle on!

A Day in Oxford

So, if you were to come visit me for one day (no more, no less), here is what we would do in Oxford:

First, wake up to the lovely sounds of robins and blackbirds. These British birds make every walk a happy little musical.

Next, to a cafe for a full English breakfast. I must confess, I haven't had one of these yet. But I have heard rumors that they are amazing. Therefore, as my guest, you would need to have one before you left.

After breakfast, we would spend the morning wandering Oxford. Walking under the bridge of sighs is a must, as is introducing you to the courtyard of the Bod. Oh, and you must meet the Rad Cam - the place where I live and work. Then there's seeing all the colleges and just enjoying the general atmosphere.

I'm sure you'd be getting hungry about noon, so off to Cornmarket we go! There's a small stand called Cornmarket Pasties that sells heavenly Cornish pasties. Again, this is an essential English experience.

Now, I would take you wandering around shops. If you're a girl, maybe some clothes shopping to see British fashion (and make fun of it). Booklovers, we'd take a tour of all the bookstores in the general area, including Blackwell's and Oxfam.

That shouldn't take us long, maybe 2-3 hours, so then it's off to tea! Where I would take you depends on the person. For a more causal atmosphere, it would have to be the Nosebag. For a moderately classy one, but not too upscale, the Oxford Randevous or the French pastry shop on high street would be nice. But then, if we were feeling extragant, we could try the Grand Cafe or the Rose Tea Room. Apparently they have amazing teas, but I haven't been able to justify going to one yet.

Now it's getting to about 4 or 5. Starting to get a bit dark. Depending on the person, this would be more shopping. Actually, this might be the beginning of our shopping time, if you had wanted to go on a walk through some more nature-y bits of Oxford. That would taken up our afternoon.

Anyway, the point is to procrastinate until we can attend an evensong at (hopefully) one of the colleges, or if that is not available, attend a service at one of the lovely churches in downtown Oxford.

Well, it's getting pretty late now. But! We haven't had dinner - too full from tea. So, off to a pub. I'm not sure which one yet, as I've been too focused on tea to sample many of them. But, if you must make a Lewis pilgrimage, we could finish our day at the Eagle and Child. A nice plate of fish and chips, accompanied by a pint or a more girly elderflower cordial, would make a nice bookend to our English breakfast.

That is my dream day to share with others :) Possible amendments forthcoming as I discover new parts of the city.

Finding Poetry

Let's do a comparison, shall we? Here's how my lovely, poetic roommate describes tutorials:

"It's in the wonders of walking up the hill from city center, feeling the sweat start on your neck, and realizing that you get to go back to your room, sit on your bed, and dig into a piece of literature that you chose yourself. It's the sudden, exhilarating feeling following your tutor saying "well, what did you find most interesting in the text?" It's the crisp morning cycles down the back roads, under the bridges, and over the Thames towards your tutor's house where you know a cup of tea awaits along with criticism and praise."

Now, let's get my version:

"It's the feeling of pure terror as you wonder what you didn't read. It's the smell of books far older than you, which struggle to impart their messages into your brain. It's hoping and praying that something got imprinted on your mind this week. It's walking in knowing that no matter how hard you worked, the main comment you may receive is that you interpreted the prompt wrongly. But it's also the joy of learning a new subject once a week, the rush of making a a brilliant connection, the pride in a job well done."

I think I tend to focus on the first bit about tutorials rather than the last. This week I'm going to try and see the poetry that my roommate so clearly found in these weekly meetings.

Only in Oxford

Oxford has the strangest set of first world problems I have ever encountered. So while this post is a rant, it is also a testimony to the ironies I encounter in daily life:

1. Bells ringing while you are trying to study. For an entire hour. I have no idea why or where, but it is so much less romantic than I would have imagined and makes it surprisingly difficult to concentrate.

2. Using "the tower" as a meeting place can generate confusion. Because there are two. Within the same block. Who would have thought? Not me!

3. Eggs are much more expensive because they are free range. They have such a greater respect for animals here that consumers will pay twice as much for eggs.

4. I bought an electric kettle because I decided I was too lazy to walk down the stairs to get tea. Tea is more than just a drink here, it is a culture. That's not a problem though, it's a blessing.

5. The library I study in is so fancy it intimidates me. Beautiful libraries are just not the same in real life...

6. Lovely cobblestone area around the library makes it hard to walk or bike.

7. Confronted with the moral choice of buying the cheap chocolate bar or the slightly less cheap one that was rainforest-sustainable. I bought the more expensive one. So proud of myself, which is just a tiny bit silly.

Those are the odd little conundrums I find everyday. They are rarely particularly annoying, just very different than I expected. Oxford keeps surprising me and I love it :)

"Normal"

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she asked what I intended to do that day and I replied, "Oh, nothing much. Just spending some time in the library. It's a pretty normal day."

Things I had just labelled normal with that sentence:
- Working in the Radcliffe Camera - an iconic building in the University of Oxford
- The fact that I probably ran into people of four or five nationalities that day. Probably more, if you include people I didn't speak to or hear talking. Many people I run into here are not British, which is just a tad different from George Fox.
- The cars are all on the left side of the road
- I understand Celius without having to math in my head everytime
- I successfully found my way to and from my home, the library, and the exam schools
- Within the library I can find almost any book I need without too much confusion
- Tea, tea, and more tea.

All of these are things that I would have taken note of just a week ago, now they are "normal," whatever that means. Guess I must be settling in ok. Fancy that!

Tugging at My Heartstrings

Many of you know about my irrational love for Latvia developed by a semester attempting to follow its current events. I truly enjoyed learning about this tiny country and its rather complicated history, as well as its complex current political situation. No one knows anything about Latvia and it was fun learning about a different culture.

Now I have spent a week learning about postwar Poland from 1943-1956. Again, I feel an irrational respect and love for this country. Yesterday I almost convinced myself I need to learn Polish and translate Polish literature into English for my career.

This is interesting to me because few countries have the ability to capture my interest like this. I have found the history of Latin American fascinating and I liked learning about Italy last week, but Eastern Europe just has an ability to capture my attention.

I think its because it has the ability to tug on my heart. Each country in that region is considered a little backward by the rest of Europe, but they have a rich cultural history that few actually try to see. The affects of Soviet occupation and before that the Nazi invasions have left scars on each individual nation, but they still retain their identity in various ways. Whether its through preserving the language or through writing literature that captures the time, Eastern European nations are able to create a national culture that I admire.

Am I romanticizing? Yes. But that’s not completely all. I see problems of economic instability and hyper-nationalism that seem to plague much of the region, but still. I like learning about it, though I hardly have scratched the surface.

Church

I wasn't intending to get particularly plugged into a church here, since I'm leaving so soon and all. But I found this lovely little church just a 5 minute bike ride away. It reminds me of Lake Samm back home and also of the Vineyard my parents used to go to when I was tiny. The bit of home is nice. Though they all speak British, the songs are often the same. I'm not sure how involved I will be, but it's a nice little church and I am thrilled to have found it.

Here's the website for Oxford Vineyard if you want to check it out:
http://www.ovc.uk.com/Groups/71673/Oxford_Vineyard.aspx

Stupidity

Being in a new country means being an idiot. This week I have:

- Pulled on push doors and walked away deciding they were locked
- Slept through my alarm
- Started going up a street, only to realize I was headed the wrong way
- Ran my knee into a pole while on my bike (luckily not hurting my bike)
- Introduced myself to people who don't actually go to the college/church I am attending. It's awkward.
- Taken forever at the grocercy store because I have no idea what to buy, then hold people up as I attempt to use self-check out
- Almost stepped on a bird, then informed it of its impoliteness (though... I guess this is my normal behavior)

Those are just a few stories from the last few days. While its depressing to constantly be feeling a little out of place, I'm learning to laugh at myself and that is a wonderfully good thing.

Tutorials

This week I had my first real tutorial, complete with paper and one-on-one discussion as well as a preterm meeting with my Crusades tutor.

The real tutorial, my Cold War one, went well. The tutor did not seem either impressed or disappointed with my work, which I will happily take. She is a very nice lady who is understanding of the fact that I have never studied these topics before this week. I think I am getting quite a bit of grace from her and I am so grateful for that. She is also wicked smart and knows something about everything, making me feel like an idiot. It is a privilege to be learning from her and I believe I will come home with solid understanding of my topics.

My preterm meeting went rather less well. I meant to leave at 8:00 for the 9:00 meeting as I had never been to this location and I wanted to leave time for getting lost. But apparently didn't set my alarm, so I woke up at 8:30, rushed out the door by 8:35, and miraculously found Jesus College by 8:55. However, by now I was so flustered that I had trouble completing sentences and was generally feeling inarticulate. So, anyway, I meet my tutor and he leads me into a 17th century library that is grougeous. I just wanted to stay for hours. He proceeds to inform me that being in Oxford is a privilegde, and he is going to tear my papers apart in order to help me become a better scholar. Ha. Ha. Not intimidating at all...

So those were my tutorials. Both will teach me a lot, and both tutors are incredibly skilled. Academically, I couldn't be in a better place.

Snow!

There has been snow on the ground for the past few days. It is a beautiful, soft, quiet nuisance. I have to leave my bike at home and walk everywhere. Which gives me time for thinking and talking to friends, but still. I miss my bike. Who knew I would love it so much?

Also, the Brits have the same feelings towards snow as Portlanders and Seattlites. A couple inches of snow sends them into a slightly delight, but shocked, tailspin and everything tries to shut down. It reminds me of home, especially when people ask if I get snow at home and I need to explain that we have the same reaction as they do.

Birds

This, my friends, is a white wagtail. In addition to having a terribly silly name and being very pretty, it also happens to be the national bird of Latvia! Seeing one is almost as good as visiting the country itself, so when one flew across my path today, I was just a tad excited.

http://www.birdinginmalta.com/species/wwagtail3.jpg

Learning

Italo Calvino.

He is an Italian neorealist. What is a neorealist? Well, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, in 1943 to be precise, the Allies were marching on into Italy. As they marched, they encountered resistance from the evil fascists. Eventually, the noble allies were able to drive back the enemy and free the southern part of the magnificent boot of Italy.

However, there was still darkness in this fair land. The Germans had occupied the northern part of Italy and perpetrated great evil against the innocent people. Thus, the partisan movement was born. An underground movement of brave civilians fighting for their honor and freedom, these men and women were able to drive the invaders back, but at great cost. Thousands died (about 35,000 out of 100,000) and those that were left felt the impact of the Resistance for their entire lives.

A new movement developed out of this experience: neorealism. It was an attempt to portray the realities of life during the war through literature, while still keeping symbolism to express emotions of the time. Italo Calvino is one of the most famous of these writers, and I have spent the past two days in the library learning about him.

So, Italo Calvino. Responsible for keeping me from adventures, but a great writer who captured a unique time in Italian history. I am coming to have a great deal of respect for him, though I must admit resenting being locked up in the library with him for hours.

London

London is an amazing city. The area I wandered around in was easy to navigate and pedestrian friendly. Every street seemed to have a combination between fashionable newness and functional history. I could have spend days there, and I am desperately hoping to take more day-trips as well as spend some time there with my family.

Where did I go? Well, not the places an American tourist is supposed to go upon arrival at London. I chose to spend the day with a friend exploring the British Museum, and then shopping down Oxford Street and munching in Soho rather than follow the mob of Americans through the more exciting bits of London. So no classic pictures of the tower bridge or Buckingham Palace.

But! What I did was better, just sayin'. Honestly, all of you need to go to the British Museum at some point. I thought it would be like the Smithsonian - impressive, but not overwhelming. Was I ever wrong... It is one of the most gorgeous places I have ever been with each corner causally adorned with a piece of irreplaceable history. It was spectacular - just look at these rooms! My pictures in no way do them justice.

 But, of course, the rooms are just the stage for the history to be presented. These are a couple of my favorite things I saw:

Early time-telling devices. Yes, there was a room for clocks.

My first sighting of a real wampum belt. Some of you will find this highly amusing.

This is a gigantic structure that is just casually sitting in the middle of a room. The British just took it, and then put it in their museum. They apparently used to really like stealing things - which is beneficial for me because now they are all in this wonderful museum.

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of our wanderings in the shopping district of London, but it was a lot of fun. I learned that, as an American, I am completely unfashionable by European standards. To which I roll my eyes and reply that I am more comfortable and warmer. However, I promptly shelved my bootcut jeans and will attempt to wear skinny skins or skirts for the rest of the term.

That was my first day in London and it was wonderful. To end the day, my friend and I enjoyed another afternoon tea (I am getting rapidly spoiled... I could spend all my money on afternoon teas). This time we had a Belgian waffle with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. It was perfectly lovely. 

English Joys

Some things I'm loving about England:

- I can bike everywhere. Now, I haven't had to bike in the rain yet, but it is nice to be powered by my feet. Besides being fit, it is better for the environment and allows me to have greater independence.
- Chocolate! The milk chocolate here is soooo much better than chocolate in the states. I haven't tried dark yet, but seriously guys. Yum.
- Oddly enough, the lack of friendliness. I've never been one to be overly enthusiastic in talking to strangers and the British are happy to leave me to myself. However, the people I have encountered in shops and even just on the road have been polite and happy to help. It's a nice combination for me.
- Tiny cars. Trucks have always felt rather wasteful to me, except in certain circumstances. Most people around here have nice, small cars that look as if they are nice to the environment.
- Accessibility of fair trade and local food. It is a stuggle to find either of these in the states, but Britain makes a point about it. These things are clearly important to the people here and the stores reflect that.
- Tea! Enough said.

So those are just a few aspects of English life I am particularly enjoying at the moment. Part of me hopes I never have to leave. This will inevitably change from day to day, but for now, I am content.

My Highly Complicated Classes

People keep asking me about my classes, so let me give you a brief explanation. It is long and tedious, but in case you were wondering, here it is:

I am taking:

Two tutorials

One Integrative Seminar

One British Landscapes Course

Tutorials are one on one meetings between a professor (tutor) and a student. They meet once a week to discuss a paper the student has written and prepared in answer to a question (prompt) the tutor assigned. Each paper is 8-10 pages long and takes about 20 hours to research properly and then write. I have two of these. My primary one meets once a week and is on Politics and Culture in Cold War Europe. My secondary tutorial meets once every two weeks and it is on the Crusades.

Ok, so that’s the main part of my course work. They start next week.

The History Integrative Seminar focuses on historiography and will meet during the last four weeks of the semester. However, throughout the semester I need to be thinking about and beginning to research the 4000 word essay that is due at the end of the term. I get to choose the topic!

The British Landscapes course takes place in the last four weeks of the semester, so I’m not going to talk about it.

In conjunction with each of these, I am required to attend 32 lectures on topics related to them. The lectures are just walk-in talks on lots of different topics that an Oxford professor giving. They tend to come in series of 8, once-a-week, lectures but each stands alone. So I will probably pick and choose 8 lectures on the Cold War from different series on Modern History. But I will probably go to all 8 in the series “Aspects of the Crusades,” because it reflects what I am learning in my secondary tutorial.

Now, that ought to be as clear as mud, but hopefully it makes a little sense.

Afternoon Tea

England and tea are very good friends. This leads them to some lovely traditions, one of which is afternoon (or cream) tea. This generally consists of a pot of black tea, served with milk, and scones with clotted cream and jam. Clotted cream is heavenly, it was worth paying the extra money just to eat it. Finding a cheaper place to eat it was hard for me, but it has great potential to be a fun treat to enjoy with friends.

Sun in Oxford!

Sun, sun, sun, sun! It's the first time since I got here. Oxford is lovely in the sunshine, especially the parks.

Details, Details, Details

This is way too much information for some of you, so read or not. It's basically a summary of how hectic the first week at Oxford has been, as shown through today's example:

I woke up this morning at 7:15, for the first time sleeping almost seven hours straight from when I fell asleep at 12:30. I still have a cough and a sore throat, plus a slightly stuffy nose, but I am feeling so much better.

When I woke up, I had a lovely email from my boyfriend informing me that I would get a letter in the next week or two! Eeeee! I like mail (hint hint).

At 8:30, Katie and I left so that she could quickly show me the grocery store in Headington. Which is next to the post office. Now I will one day be able to send you mail back! This was my first bike ride in traffic and was rather intimidating, but I can get there. Really, I can. Maybe.

Then we rode down to Wycliffe Hall, the Oxford college our program is affiliated with. Total, this was 3.5 miles, which is probably the furthest I have ever ridden in one stretch in my life. My fitness needs to increase greatly before I will be comfortable biking in Oxford…

Then we were orientated at some more. All of the orientation. Today we learned about tutorials and clubs and libraries and what to do if we are having a personal emotional crisis. I will get to these later, except the personal crises stuff. It would be boring to an outsider. Though, I will note that the people at this program are amazing. I am definitely independent to do my own thing, but if I get into some sort of trouble I couldn’t get out of, I would trust the people here to help me.

Today we had two tea and coffee breaks. Tea is everywhere and so far, all the types I’ve tried have been wonderful. My favorite was Twinning’s Jasmine Green Tea. Tea gets old for some, but not for me!

After orientation, a group of us went to the Eagle and Child pub where C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, and the other Inklings used to spend their time. It was a nice little place, but not at all how I had imagined a pub… I think I need to try some more before I make a judgment on pubs. Unfortunately, I did not drink a beer. First, it looks gross. But the larger reason is that my program strictly enforces the drinking policies of our home institutions. George Fox University does not all me to consume alcohol, so I’m not going to break the trust of the staff at my program. It’s the first week, and that sounds like a very bad place to start.

So, that’s what I did today. It’s pretty much what I’ve been doing every day: random adventures (when I have energy), learning more about Oxford life, and drinking tea.

Exploring Oxford

Today I went on a tour of Oxford, particularly focusing on the actual university and the city center. It is a lovely town, with vibrant history and fascinating architecture. Here are a few pictures I took, though remember, I'm not the biggest fan of taking pictures, so these don't truly capture the beauty or the personality of Oxford. 

  

 The above picture captures a bit of life in Oxford, the feeling of walking in history. But it doesn't convey the constant feeling of bustling people walking, biking, busing, and driving throughout the city. There are so many different types of people and they are all very intent on getting to their destinations. But sometimes you find a corner like this one, which is peaceful and captures the reason why people travel to Oxford.

 

This is the Radcliffe dome, looking quite deary on this grey day. But the inside is filled with books upon books about science-y things. So, obviously, I will not be spending much time in it. However, the building next to it, which I don't have a picture of, is the main building of the Bodleian Library. I will be living in this place as I do my research for essays. The Radcliffe Dome is a part of this, just a specialized reading room. There will be more pictures and information on libraries coming as I learn to navigate the 100+ libraries that make up the Oxford system.

 

Finally, one other tidbit. This is the Bridge of Sighs, supposedly modeled after a bridge in Venice with the same name. However, the Venetian bridge is actually a rather ugly little thing, not romantic at all. In fact, it was the bridge prisoners crossed to go to their cells. The Bridge of Sighs in Oxford is actually copying a larger, grander bridge elsewhere in Venice that the builders liked more. However, they also approved of the name, so they took it and turned it into a romantic notion instead of a depressing one. Oh, the power of the Victorian imagination.

Home

This is my home at the Vines (a very old house that actually has it's own wiki page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vines,_Oxford). I live on the 3rd story (or the British 2nd floor) and while being back in a dorm setting is taking a bit of adjustment, I enjoy having the bustle of people around me.

 Since I'm next to the roof, the room has skylights! Which mostly show a slightly forbidding grey sky, but then again, what else is new?

My little corner of friends. From left to right: Oliver, Totoro, Chubby Charlie, Stubby, and Lewis. All are from dear friends or family, and I like having the reminders of home. The pictures were drawn by my boyfriend and the teapot-rug-thing was made by a roommate. Happy memories.