Freshman year of college I went through a questioning phase, which was the inspiration for this blog and its title. I used to cover my hands in writing, hoping that if I wrote out my questions the answers might appear. Well, they didn't, but this is an example of my stubborn drive to question God. For years I've used independence as a protection from loneliness as I did my own thing instead of feeling left out when my friends did things without me. Basically, I don't like the concept of surrender and I generally fight against it as much as possible.
However, at Grace Baptist this week the sermon (after the Memorial Day speech) was about submitting to God. The pastor noted that:
- Understanding our lack of control is an essential quality of maturity
- "Remember, you will always lose when you enter into war with God"
What does it mean to surrender to someone? I always believed that those who live their lives in submission are minions of their masters. Probably much of this comes from my staunchly feminist mom, but it is truly hard for me to see the beauty in surrender. Questioning and struggling are a part of growth, but they are parts of independence and freedom, rather than submission.
It seems as if the Bible says that submission leads to freedom and growth, allowing independence to fall to the wayside. But that's not a parallel for life. Yes, we need community, but community can also stifle if it becomes a crutch. At least, that's how I've always seen it. I often think that my best work is done alone, without the help of others.
Surrender to God and you will find peace. How many times have I heard this phrase? But how can I properly surrender without giving up? The two ideas are mutually exclusive, but apparently not. Perhaps there is a way to keep questioning without being independent of God. Asking questions has always been my challenge to God, but shoving him away hasn't gotten me closer to answers.
I think I am confusing two different types of surrender: submission to God and submission to man. The first is good, the second is not exactly my idea of a healthy life. My life, my mind, is my own, not my future husband's or my father's. Sometimes I feel like I struggle constantly with maintaining my own identity outside of a patriarchal culture and I take this stubbornness into the way I approach Christianity. God is not human. He is perfectly trustworthy and wholly loving, so surrender to him could be the most beautiful part of life.
I'll probably struggle with surrender and trust my entire life, especially as I see the lure of independence and the lack of complications it appears to give. That's why this post is so disjointed and a bit odd. I'm just not entirely sure what surrendering means, but I think it is important both in my relationship with others and in my walk with God.
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