Faces

I used to think that wearing makeup was a form of lying. Not particularly wrong, just hiding the truth and concealing who I am behind a mask. Well, that and I was too lazy, cheap, and insecure to actually learn how to apply it. Beyond that, I wanted people to accept me for myself, not for my appearance. Putting honesty above social norms was a source of pride for me in many ways, of which makeup was only one.

Now I see the value in putting on my "face" in the morning. Of having a personality for interacting with people and for work. There are boxes in my life instead of striving for simple honesty. Lying doesn't bother me nearly as much since I learned to see the grey in truth-telling.

This knowledge allows me to fit in and makes me happier. Some days I wonder if it should.

Random

Life ought to have a soundtrack. 

Wouldn't that be cool?

End of thought.

Salvation

Salvation is the goal of Christianity. But should it be?

I guess to write this post properly, salvation ought to be defined properly. Except that there is no single definition used by the church, as shown by differing approaches to evangelicalism. If everyone saw salvation as that single moment that a person accepted Christ, we might all be living a bit differently. On the other hand, if salvation is a process started by that acceptance, well, the church would be transformed.

Imagine if salvation was not the goal, but the beginning of a relationship with both the church and God. If mentorship was a central goal of the church, rather than teaching and evangelicalism. What if we invited people to Easter service not to be "saved" but to become part of a community? Yes, salvation is an introduction to the church and the larger body of believers, but can one truly be a part of the group without getting to know anyone? Where is the support and the help and the hope and the healing? Much of it comes from God, but shouldn't some of it come from us?

As we invite family and friends to be a part of Easter service, remember that it is not about a moment, it's about relationships. Communion with God and with others was a central part of the church in Acts, and as different as we are today, I believe that it ought to be at the very heart of what Christians do today.

Confidence

My mom never takes good photos - it's one of my dad's complaints in life. But recently we went on a hike and took some pictures, which capture my mom beautifully.

So what changed? That's easy, about 60 lbs. Now my mom doesn't have to believe my dad and I when we say she's pretty, she actually thinks it. Also, she has accomplished something that might have seemed impossible a few years ago and has lost the pain she had in her knee. Giving up many of her favourite foods has totally been a success and granted her so much in return.

Mom, thank you for this life lesson: it is worth doing the hard things. Taking the time and the effort to gain confidence, to know who I am, and to build relationships is worth it. Losing weight was a journey for you and I will use the memories to inspire me.

"I'll be here"

People and faith. The two central questions of my life.

As I settle down into a more permanent home, it's becoming rapidly clear that I can't run from either anymore. New friends need to be found, old friendships preserved, and family loved. In this I have to face the person I am and how I have changed in the past two years. Not always a nice process, but hey, could be worse.

So finally, I am able to admit that I lost my faith somewhere. Not completely, not permanently, just wandered away. There's so much pain and fear in this world that I have trouble trusting his promises. And even if I do chose to believe his promises for my life, how do I communicate that to my friends without being dismissive or compassionless? That question must have an answer, but I'm not sure what it is yet. Revisiting all my beliefs and understandings of God is certainly a good first step in my mind. Yes, all of my childhood teachings might be true, but my application certainly was not up to snuff.

I haven't wanted to admit this though. I don't want to have my Christian friends preach at me or non-Christians feel a sense of triumph as I travel to their side of the fence. Asking questions and seeking God through doubt is well established thank you very much, and I am hardly the last in this tradition.

So I told God. After all, if you're taking a break in the relationship, it helps to admit it to the other party. His answer, as far as I could tell, was "I'll be here, whenever you need me." I might not have much faith. I might not know how real God is today, but I have hope that he will be there waiting for me and guiding me back.

Holes

It’s hard to write on this blog when I’m hurting, which tends to be anytime when I leave a group of people behind. They are scattered around the world now – Japan, Finland/England, Georgia, Portland, Korea (soon). As they settle in new places, I rejoice with their adventures and, frankly, I admire their courage. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Coming “home” to find that all of my friends are everywhere else is never a simple task for me. Then again, traveling to my friends away from my family is also hard, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the main thought I have right now is that these holes in my heart are the greatest gift I’ll ever have. It’s sloppy and sentimental and silly, but hey, it’s true. 13 year old me never thought I’d have a best friend, much less 6 of them floating about. That means I will always miss them. It will always hurt. But then again, how many people have that many friends who are worth keeping in contact with? Who they can turn to if anything goes wrong? Who they can love unashamedly without worrying about hiding?

Every day, I need to be giving thanks for the holes in my heart.