"Subiendo... y bajando"

"Subiendo... y bajando. Subiendo... y bajando."

"Up.... and down. Up... and down."

The little boy next to me gives me a brief smile, humming with me as I sing the instructions for tracing the capital "O" over and over and over. It's one brief moment of concentration in the middle of the on-going battle to make him sit for more than 30 seconds. "Subiendo... y bajando. ¡Casi! ¡Casi has terminado! ¿Una mas, para mi? Subiendo... y bajando."

But, pretty soon, the boys at the table nearby start fighting over playdough ("¡Esta robando mi plastilina profe!") and the moment ends. He looks up, distracted, and drops his crayon. Probably not on purpose, this time at least, but that means he needs to get up, get the crayon, and then settle back in again. Today, I am lucky, he actually comes back. Normally he goes straight to the closet, pretending to hide, or to the door, staring out at the larger kids at recess. Or, on a really bad day, over to the other boys to steal some of their blocks.

But today, today is a good day. Even though he will do nothing without me sitting next to him, today he wants my attention more than the distractions of toys and shouting kids. So we sit, blocking out the room, tracing dotted lines clumsily, singing, "Subiendo... y bajando. Subiendo... y bajando."

Friends and First-Graders

So, I am back in Latin America! I've been in Costa Rica for two weeks and in a week I leave for Nicaragua. I should be home in early December. 

So, what am I doing here?

First I traveled with my best friend from college. Beaches and forest and monkeys and ants and math and sand castles and buses and dancing and fun and dresses and yay. Not only did I get to have her around for ten whole days, I got to be a tourist in Costa Rica for the first time. It was perfectly wonderful.

Now, I am staying a YWAM buddy and working with an organization called Transforma. It's program that gives local women the opportunity to develop skills and start their own business through classes and mircofinancing. One of my friends is a full time volunteer, so I'm learning about the ministry and supporting her for about a week. If you want more information, check out their facebook page: just search Transforma, Costa Rica. (Really, do that. I spend like all morning helping translate fb statuses. It was fun. And the group is awesome).

Next is Nicaragua, where I will working Esperanza Granada and living with a local family. The organization supports teachers both with English classes and with homework help (I'm hoping to work with first graders). They also do a number of other things in the community. More on that to come as I understand it and experience it for myself. Here's a link to the website, if you're curious: http://www.la-esperanza-granada.org/. Between my host family and the kids, I expect to know a great deal more Spanish when I get home. No speaking English for me, thanks.

Then it is home for Christmas. And time to plan where I'm going next. 

Vulnerability

Someone asked me the other day whether, in general, the ends justified the means. I said, well, it depends, obviously, but often in day to day life I find that the results are more important than the way I got there.

As I'm writing this, I have no idea why I answered that, because my last few years have been a random collection of choices where the journey is more important than the end result. So therefore, I live my life as if the results are not nearly as important as getting there.

That being said, I *do* know how I justified my answer. I used the example of lying. Well, not lying, more "hiding what I really think in order to make someone feel loved and included." I pointed out that once I learned how to lie properly, I began to make friends. People didn't think I was nearly as awkward as before. Therefore, lying achieved good results.

But, now I realize how much time I've spent pretending. Not in big ways, particularly. There is really no way for me to conceal my personality forever. But I tried so hard to conform to what others needed or wanted, that I started losing myself. I wonder these days if I actually have hobbies or interests - I've just been doing what my friends liked. The things I do care about, I don't always want to admit.

Anyway, these days I worry so much about what other people think about me, that I end up unable to actually effectively look outside of myself. The mere mention of rejection sends me into tears. I thought that pretending could help others feel loved. It turns out, it just increases my selfishness.

Ok, that being said. I truly believe that in life there is room for white lies. There is room for doing a bit of pretending until trust between two people has been established. In fact, I think it is beneficial often to have both parties attempting to conform a bit. Still, there's an important balance to look at, and it might be time for me to learn how to be honest again.

Vulnerability 

Hope

Sometimes, God asks to give him things we don't want to give up.

Sometimes, it's not about the pain of today, but the joy of tomorrow.

Sometimes, he needs to teach a lesson.

Sometimes, there is no other way to come back home.

Sometimes, heartbreak is the best way to grow.

Sometimes, I know God is real because he has to be.

Buses

"You want to be close to God? Are you reading your Bible? Are you praying? When was the last time you actually listened? Not tithing, well, not surprising you're not hearing from him. It's all about self-discipline - that's how you find God."

Now, I've had a number of excellent mentors and pastors and teachers and all-around wonderful people in my life. They've attempted to teach me how to find God, as best they knew how. It didn't really work out.

Then, one leader left me alone for five days, over a holiday, when I most wanted someone.

And I found God on a bus. Actually, first I died of boredom, tried to think of something to do, and decided the most interesting thing was to pick random buses and ride them to small towns in Heredia, Costa Rica.

So that's what I did. Not only did I met some fun churches and cheap ice cream shops, I also discovered that hearing God is quite a bit easier with headphone and a moving bus. See, buses are these beautiful things that take you on adventures, without requiring much thought. Assuming you don't have to be on time for anything.

Now I'm home in the US, and I still ride the bus to work. I have this nice little time with God that I actually look forward to having, instead of dreading. It's soothing, riding the bus with him and a bit of worship music. It's not like my mentors/teachers/friends/pastors were wrong, I just listened to them rather than God.

If I hadn't been left alone, I never would have discovered this. Sometimes, leaders make irrational choices. Turns out, they can be right.

Paraeducating

I never thought I would work with kids. Actually, kids and I didn't get along for the majority of my life. Kids live in their own little worlds and I didn't feel any particular need to join in.

Then my aunt and uncle suggested I start subbing in the school district. I figured, why not? I needed the money and the school district needed the (wo)manpower, so I applied. Paraeducators (individual mentors within a special ed classroom) make $2/hour more than other positions, so I decided to do that.

My first day, the school had forgotten about me.

The second day, I couldn't get the kids to listen for anything.

The third day, I met Meg. Her legs don't work quite right and her vocab is limited to "hi" and "more."

The fourth day, I met Samantha. She can't sit still to save her life, but she loves her teachers and her mind whirls at a bazillion miles per hour.

By the fifth day I was in love.

Now, I'm spending the last few weeks of school in a long-term sub position, helping a pair of first graders to manage the treacherous array of schedule, transitions, classmates, and worksheets that stand in their way. Constant patient reminders result in quiet, responsible behavior, or a glaring "go away!"

I'm learning that the littlest things in life can be victories. And that persistent patience can work miracles. Who knew a manta ray stuffie could cause so much joy?

Anyway, that's what I'm doing right now, at least for the next two weeks. After that, I'm off to Nicaragua at the end of the summer to, hopefully, volunteer in a first grade classroom.