"I'll be here"

People and faith. The two central questions of my life.

As I settle down into a more permanent home, it's becoming rapidly clear that I can't run from either anymore. New friends need to be found, old friendships preserved, and family loved. In this I have to face the person I am and how I have changed in the past two years. Not always a nice process, but hey, could be worse.

So finally, I am able to admit that I lost my faith somewhere. Not completely, not permanently, just wandered away. There's so much pain and fear in this world that I have trouble trusting his promises. And even if I do chose to believe his promises for my life, how do I communicate that to my friends without being dismissive or compassionless? That question must have an answer, but I'm not sure what it is yet. Revisiting all my beliefs and understandings of God is certainly a good first step in my mind. Yes, all of my childhood teachings might be true, but my application certainly was not up to snuff.

I haven't wanted to admit this though. I don't want to have my Christian friends preach at me or non-Christians feel a sense of triumph as I travel to their side of the fence. Asking questions and seeking God through doubt is well established thank you very much, and I am hardly the last in this tradition.

So I told God. After all, if you're taking a break in the relationship, it helps to admit it to the other party. His answer, as far as I could tell, was "I'll be here, whenever you need me." I might not have much faith. I might not know how real God is today, but I have hope that he will be there waiting for me and guiding me back.