Freshman year of college I went through a questioning phase, which was the inspiration for this blog and its title. I used to cover my hands in writing, hoping that if I wrote out my questions the answers might appear. Well, they didn't, but this is an example of my stubborn drive to question God. For years I've used independence as a protection from loneliness as I did my own thing instead of feeling left out when my friends did things without me. Basically, I don't like the concept of surrender and I generally fight against it as much as possible.
However, at Grace Baptist this week the sermon (after the Memorial Day speech) was about submitting to God. The pastor noted that:
- Understanding our lack of control is an essential quality of maturity
- "Remember, you will always lose when you enter into war with God"
What does it mean to surrender to someone? I always believed that those who live their lives in submission are minions of their masters. Probably much of this comes from my staunchly feminist mom, but it is truly hard for me to see the beauty in surrender. Questioning and struggling are a part of growth, but they are parts of independence and freedom, rather than submission.
It seems as if the Bible says that submission leads to freedom and growth, allowing independence to fall to the wayside. But that's not a parallel for life. Yes, we need community, but community can also stifle if it becomes a crutch. At least, that's how I've always seen it. I often think that my best work is done alone, without the help of others.
Surrender to God and you will find peace. How many times have I heard this phrase? But how can I properly surrender without giving up? The two ideas are mutually exclusive, but apparently not. Perhaps there is a way to keep questioning without being independent of God. Asking questions has always been my challenge to God, but shoving him away hasn't gotten me closer to answers.
I think I am confusing two different types of surrender: submission to God and submission to man. The first is good, the second is not exactly my idea of a healthy life. My life, my mind, is my own, not my future husband's or my father's. Sometimes I feel like I struggle constantly with maintaining my own identity outside of a patriarchal culture and I take this stubbornness into the way I approach Christianity. God is not human. He is perfectly trustworthy and wholly loving, so surrender to him could be the most beautiful part of life.
I'll probably struggle with surrender and trust my entire life, especially as I see the lure of independence and the lack of complications it appears to give. That's why this post is so disjointed and a bit odd. I'm just not entirely sure what surrendering means, but I think it is important both in my relationship with others and in my walk with God.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Memorial Day
Today, Grace Baptist honored those in the congregation who had served in the armed forces. Honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Part of it is that I am close to a pacifist and I don't particularly like war or anything that comes close to honoring it. However, this was different - not praising war, but saluting people. I may not understand the reason why anyone would want to join the armed forces, but that is because I am a selfish, stubborn kid who has no interest in going to bootcamp. The scarfice of others who defend my country is precious to me and recognizing it in all communities is important. Hence Memorial Day.
But I think the church has a responsibility to accompany praise of soldiers with a prayer for peace. As precious as the service of troops is for the country, I would prefer they weren't needed. The suffering of was has no place in the world and it is a primary responsibility of the church to encourage peace.
This idea was completely absent from Grace Baptist's service. Other than that, I appreciated the sermon and the way it memorialized veterans. However, at the end, what if it had had a prayer for peace? What if in churches we could find a balance between supporting sacrifice and encouraging peace?
But I think the church has a responsibility to accompany praise of soldiers with a prayer for peace. As precious as the service of troops is for the country, I would prefer they weren't needed. The suffering of was has no place in the world and it is a primary responsibility of the church to encourage peace.
This idea was completely absent from Grace Baptist's service. Other than that, I appreciated the sermon and the way it memorialized veterans. However, at the end, what if it had had a prayer for peace? What if in churches we could find a balance between supporting sacrifice and encouraging peace?
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Graduating
I'm graduating in six and a half months.
That's half a year folks. Until I will be out of school, possibly for good.
Some people cheer about this, but I personally like school. I'm pretty good at it, not the absolute best, but good enough to get noticed. It's pretty fun and, frankly, I'm not gonna fail at it. Perhaps not do as well as I would like, but if I work hard my grades will come out ok. Leaving academics is a sad thought for me, and while I could go to grad school and get my masters and so on, I'm not sure I actually care enough to do so. There is no one topic that fascinates me to the point where I would give up years of my life to pursue it, so no grad school for me! (Yet anyway. No promises. Wouldn't be surprised if I went back to school for fun if I had the money).
All this to say that I am graduating and I have no plan. None at all. And I'm scared stiff. I've always had a plan: middle school to high school to college to job. Now that I'm at the job part, everything seems a but more challenging. I don't know what to do with my degree and I don't know what I want to do with my life. There are so many choices, and yet I don't really want to do any of them. Part of that is just whining, who really wants to be working anyway, but part of that is legitimate confusion. So many people seem to have plans and I'm that little kid with the useless degree. In fact, that degree that my parents and grandparents paid for - what if I don't use it? What if I let them down? Normally I would wrap this up with a hopeful note about God and prayer and Happy Things, but I don't have any at this moment. I just got home, why am I going to be leaving it again in only six months? It'll all be ok, somehow, but the transition isn't going to be easy in any case.
That's half a year folks. Until I will be out of school, possibly for good.
Some people cheer about this, but I personally like school. I'm pretty good at it, not the absolute best, but good enough to get noticed. It's pretty fun and, frankly, I'm not gonna fail at it. Perhaps not do as well as I would like, but if I work hard my grades will come out ok. Leaving academics is a sad thought for me, and while I could go to grad school and get my masters and so on, I'm not sure I actually care enough to do so. There is no one topic that fascinates me to the point where I would give up years of my life to pursue it, so no grad school for me! (Yet anyway. No promises. Wouldn't be surprised if I went back to school for fun if I had the money).
All this to say that I am graduating and I have no plan. None at all. And I'm scared stiff. I've always had a plan: middle school to high school to college to job. Now that I'm at the job part, everything seems a but more challenging. I don't know what to do with my degree and I don't know what I want to do with my life. There are so many choices, and yet I don't really want to do any of them. Part of that is just whining, who really wants to be working anyway, but part of that is legitimate confusion. So many people seem to have plans and I'm that little kid with the useless degree. In fact, that degree that my parents and grandparents paid for - what if I don't use it? What if I let them down? Normally I would wrap this up with a hopeful note about God and prayer and Happy Things, but I don't have any at this moment. I just got home, why am I going to be leaving it again in only six months? It'll all be ok, somehow, but the transition isn't going to be easy in any case.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Permanence
I've done a lot of unpacking this year and I seem to have gotten it all down to a reasonable amount of stuff. Ok, ok, my room at home is a rat's nest, but the pile that goes places is moderately organized. Basically, I choose kitchen supplies and bedding on the assumption that I have to pack them up at least once a year, if not more. This bothers me. Like many college students, I don't own a set of non-plastic dishes, a collection of spices, or more than 3 pots. I feel this need to settle down, if only so I could have a place to store all these things.
Leaving aside the fact that I equate settling down with the number of pots I possess, I'm noticing more and more that I am putting things on hold until I find a permanent place. Getting a kitchen set is a good example, but also included are finding a home church, volunteering in the community, having a satisfying job, and building new relationships. After a year of moving from one location to the next, I'm ready to stay put in a single home.
Unfortunately, I don't get to stay anywhere for long. First the summer, then graduation, then who knows! All I know is that I want to go home, wherever that is, and stay there for a really long time. Until then, however, I'm going to have to keep settling down in various places. That probably includes redefining my idea of what I can do in a short term place... Even though I want nothing else to disengage until I can find a new home.
Leaving aside the fact that I equate settling down with the number of pots I possess, I'm noticing more and more that I am putting things on hold until I find a permanent place. Getting a kitchen set is a good example, but also included are finding a home church, volunteering in the community, having a satisfying job, and building new relationships. After a year of moving from one location to the next, I'm ready to stay put in a single home.
Unfortunately, I don't get to stay anywhere for long. First the summer, then graduation, then who knows! All I know is that I want to go home, wherever that is, and stay there for a really long time. Until then, however, I'm going to have to keep settling down in various places. That probably includes redefining my idea of what I can do in a short term place... Even though I want nothing else to disengage until I can find a new home.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Blogging Part II: Home
Some of you know that I used to have a blog that was less oriented toward stories and more towards, well, randomness. It was a place for me to think out loud and occasionally get feedback from others. I want to continue that, especially as I move towards graduation in the fall. I have a lot of decisions to make and a great many changes in the next 6-8 months. It's important to me that I try to keep considering how to deal with those changes instead of hiding from them.
Therefore, I'm turning this blog into more of a reflective, random, and sometimes political collection of thoughts. My focus is not on grammar, spelling, or good writing, but simply on attempting to organize my thoughts. This means that there will be typos. Grammar Nazis be warned, you are not welcome here. Leave your commas and other oddities at the door.
One last thing: if you have any life experiences or stories to share about how you handled post-college transitions, job hunting, and/or relationships, please share. Honestly, please do. I need as much help as I can get.
Therefore, I'm turning this blog into more of a reflective, random, and sometimes political collection of thoughts. My focus is not on grammar, spelling, or good writing, but simply on attempting to organize my thoughts. This means that there will be typos. Grammar Nazis be warned, you are not welcome here. Leave your commas and other oddities at the door.
One last thing: if you have any life experiences or stories to share about how you handled post-college transitions, job hunting, and/or relationships, please share. Honestly, please do. I need as much help as I can get.
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