Psalm 23

I used to go to sleep hugging my Bible.

I believed it could protect me from my fears. That the words inside brought courage and life and salvation. Psalm 23 stood in front of me, guarding me from imaginary monsters. God's staff led me through the dark valley of the shadow of death, and I always woke up the next morning.

Some days weren't as much fun as others, some nights had a few more monsters. But I knew those words would make everything ok - that even when I was too scared to wake up Mom, my Bible would let me sleep.

Then, like all of us, I grew up. The world became a lot bigger and a lot scarier. Turns out there are real monsters, working on tearing everything apart. Or, that's what it felt like. Being a teenager brings out the dramatic. But I still believed, after all, no monsters had ever attacked me, what really was there to doubt?

Until, I realized I had a monster. That everyone has their own little monsters living inside of them. Some of us bury it in secret, others use it openly, but all of us hurt each other. The Bible calls it sin, and says that Jesus defeated it when he came to live inside of me (or rather, the Holy Spirit). That perfect love casts out fear, all fear, and that we are conquers and coheirs with Christ. The thing is, my monster stayed alive and well, not matter how hard I prayed. I saw other monsters inside my family, my friends, and heard stories of how many people monsters killed every day.

Somehow, it's hard not to feel lied to when the enemy is still so powerful.

But that's ok, I knew that I just wasn't strong enough to contain my monster. Maybe my faith was a little shaken, but there was still hope. I could defeat my monster with devotionals, church, prayer, and fellowship. The battle was not yet lost! Maybe the Bible made much less sense, and the monsters seemed a lot more alive, but that was just because I didn't believe enough. Each step got me closer.

Except that's when I first got a glimpse of the world, just a tiny one, through stories and histories and textbooks. Theories and facts danced in my head as I left home for the first time, and saw just how big the monsters were. Psalm 23 didn't stand a chance, no force behind it. The Bible felt so weak compared to the busy, and terrifying, world, I finally decided to start seeing.

I kinda mark that first year away from home as when I stepped away. Walked away would imply commitment, and I just wasn't willing to give up entirely. I realized that my beliefs were flawed, but not willing to leave. I still prayed, studied, explored, and debated, but there was a new wall. The Bible couldn't protect me from the monsters, but on the other hand, the idea of love that casts out fear, who could truly give that dream up? Also, there was the fact that so many intelligent men and women around me believed in God, despite their deep understanding of the world and its evils.

Now, I don't know. I quote the Bible. I love to worship. My church is my home. But the church is flawed. My interpretation of the Bible misses something completely. And something is just... wrong. God lets monsters run loose and he doesn't seem to fight, at least not around me. I blame him for abandoning me, maybe for abandoning all of us. But underneath my anger, I think I just want him to notice, to remember, to be the savior I wish he was, not the savior I can see.

I see other people around me speaking "his" words, and bringing death. I see beauty blossom out of shameful things. I see the monsters being defeated in creative ways everywhere, not just in church. I see growth through heresy and pain in tradition. My little morality has trounced by the complexity of God's creation. Pastors encourage me to have faith like a child, but it would be a lie to be blind again. How can I separate truth any more? I ponder this constantly, weighing opinions and creating my own.

Still, I have hope that Christianity is the right place to be. That I really can hear God's voice. That there's something here that the rest of the world is missing. I'm just really not sure right now what that thing could be, not when I see those monsters running freely in the church, just as they do everywhere else.