Someone asked me the other day whether, in general, the ends justified the means. I said, well, it depends, obviously, but often in day to day life I find that the results are more important than the way I got there.
As I'm writing this, I have no idea why I answered that, because my last few years have been a random collection of choices where the journey is more important than the end result. So therefore, I live my life as if the results are not nearly as important as getting there.
That being said, I *do* know how I justified my answer. I used the example of lying. Well, not lying, more "hiding what I really think in order to make someone feel loved and included." I pointed out that once I learned how to lie properly, I began to make friends. People didn't think I was nearly as awkward as before. Therefore, lying achieved good results.
But, now I realize how much time I've spent pretending. Not in big ways, particularly. There is really no way for me to conceal my personality forever. But I tried so hard to conform to what others needed or wanted, that I started losing myself. I wonder these days if I actually have hobbies or interests - I've just been doing what my friends liked. The things I do care about, I don't always want to admit.
Anyway, these days I worry so much about what other people think about me, that I end up unable to actually effectively look outside of myself. The mere mention of rejection sends me into tears. I thought that pretending could help others feel loved. It turns out, it just increases my selfishness.
Ok, that being said. I truly believe that in life there is room for white lies. There is room for doing a bit of pretending until trust between two people has been established. In fact, I think it is beneficial often to have both parties attempting to conform a bit. Still, there's an important balance to look at, and it might be time for me to learn how to be honest again.
Vulnerability
