Vulnerability

Someone asked me the other day whether, in general, the ends justified the means. I said, well, it depends, obviously, but often in day to day life I find that the results are more important than the way I got there.

As I'm writing this, I have no idea why I answered that, because my last few years have been a random collection of choices where the journey is more important than the end result. So therefore, I live my life as if the results are not nearly as important as getting there.

That being said, I *do* know how I justified my answer. I used the example of lying. Well, not lying, more "hiding what I really think in order to make someone feel loved and included." I pointed out that once I learned how to lie properly, I began to make friends. People didn't think I was nearly as awkward as before. Therefore, lying achieved good results.

But, now I realize how much time I've spent pretending. Not in big ways, particularly. There is really no way for me to conceal my personality forever. But I tried so hard to conform to what others needed or wanted, that I started losing myself. I wonder these days if I actually have hobbies or interests - I've just been doing what my friends liked. The things I do care about, I don't always want to admit.

Anyway, these days I worry so much about what other people think about me, that I end up unable to actually effectively look outside of myself. The mere mention of rejection sends me into tears. I thought that pretending could help others feel loved. It turns out, it just increases my selfishness.

Ok, that being said. I truly believe that in life there is room for white lies. There is room for doing a bit of pretending until trust between two people has been established. In fact, I think it is beneficial often to have both parties attempting to conform a bit. Still, there's an important balance to look at, and it might be time for me to learn how to be honest again.

Vulnerability 

Hope

Sometimes, God asks to give him things we don't want to give up.

Sometimes, it's not about the pain of today, but the joy of tomorrow.

Sometimes, he needs to teach a lesson.

Sometimes, there is no other way to come back home.

Sometimes, heartbreak is the best way to grow.

Sometimes, I know God is real because he has to be.

Buses

"You want to be close to God? Are you reading your Bible? Are you praying? When was the last time you actually listened? Not tithing, well, not surprising you're not hearing from him. It's all about self-discipline - that's how you find God."

Now, I've had a number of excellent mentors and pastors and teachers and all-around wonderful people in my life. They've attempted to teach me how to find God, as best they knew how. It didn't really work out.

Then, one leader left me alone for five days, over a holiday, when I most wanted someone.

And I found God on a bus. Actually, first I died of boredom, tried to think of something to do, and decided the most interesting thing was to pick random buses and ride them to small towns in Heredia, Costa Rica.

So that's what I did. Not only did I met some fun churches and cheap ice cream shops, I also discovered that hearing God is quite a bit easier with headphone and a moving bus. See, buses are these beautiful things that take you on adventures, without requiring much thought. Assuming you don't have to be on time for anything.

Now I'm home in the US, and I still ride the bus to work. I have this nice little time with God that I actually look forward to having, instead of dreading. It's soothing, riding the bus with him and a bit of worship music. It's not like my mentors/teachers/friends/pastors were wrong, I just listened to them rather than God.

If I hadn't been left alone, I never would have discovered this. Sometimes, leaders make irrational choices. Turns out, they can be right.

Paraeducating

I never thought I would work with kids. Actually, kids and I didn't get along for the majority of my life. Kids live in their own little worlds and I didn't feel any particular need to join in.

Then my aunt and uncle suggested I start subbing in the school district. I figured, why not? I needed the money and the school district needed the (wo)manpower, so I applied. Paraeducators (individual mentors within a special ed classroom) make $2/hour more than other positions, so I decided to do that.

My first day, the school had forgotten about me.

The second day, I couldn't get the kids to listen for anything.

The third day, I met Meg. Her legs don't work quite right and her vocab is limited to "hi" and "more."

The fourth day, I met Samantha. She can't sit still to save her life, but she loves her teachers and her mind whirls at a bazillion miles per hour.

By the fifth day I was in love.

Now, I'm spending the last few weeks of school in a long-term sub position, helping a pair of first graders to manage the treacherous array of schedule, transitions, classmates, and worksheets that stand in their way. Constant patient reminders result in quiet, responsible behavior, or a glaring "go away!"

I'm learning that the littlest things in life can be victories. And that persistent patience can work miracles. Who knew a manta ray stuffie could cause so much joy?

Anyway, that's what I'm doing right now, at least for the next two weeks. After that, I'm off to Nicaragua at the end of the summer to, hopefully, volunteer in a first grade classroom.

Outreach!

Well guys, it's almost Christmas, and I can officially say that enjoying 60 degree weather while staring at Christmas lights is incredibly odd. Very nice, of course, but definitely one of the stranger things I've experienced thus far.

DTS is going pretty well, we are learning a lot and have almost reached the end of lecture phase (two more days!!). This means the next step is outreach. Our group is going to El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras for a total of six weeks - leaving the 28th of December and returning to Costa Rica on February 16th. We will primarily be working with kids ministries, meeting with permanent organizations to help them with their programs. Right now all of us are helping prepare dramas, clown skits, and crafts in order to have a head start. Our DTS will also help the organizations with any cleaning or work projects that we can.

Basically, we are very excited for this opportunity to travel and support long-term missionaries. But we are also rather worried because we haven't raised all of our funds yet and there's only a week left. We still need $3500 in order to send all of us. In the large scheme, that's not very much, but in such a short time... God will provide, but last-minute is always hard. If you would please consider donating, that would be amazing. Follow the link below, scroll down to "current students," and write "DTS outreach."

http://ywamheredia.com/donate-now/

Also, we need prayer. So much prayer. This adventure is going to stretch my team of introverts so far out of our comfort zone, and while we are excited, we also recognize that this trip will be a challenge. Please remember us in your prayers as we start packing and preparing.

Prayer Requests:
- Group unity
- Ability to successfully show love
- Courage and safety
- Creativity and initiative within the group

Thank you so much!
- DTS Heredia, 2015

DTS 2015

My DTS - Nine girls, three guys (including the adorable married couple). Plus our three lovely leaders and you have our group of fifteen!

A Day of DTS

Friday was a perfectly wonderful day. Got up at 6:15 to feed to chickens and ducks, discovering that the female duck was not actually dead but just sitting on eggs in a dark corner. After grabbing my first cup of coffee, it’s time to practice Spanish for a bit (El elefante come una fresa. Las fresas son muy ricas.) Then it’s off to a nice breakfast of baked oatmeal, which after a few weeks of trial and error is finally cooked through.

By now, it’s 8:00 and the schedule for several complicated reasons has once again shifted. Time for class an hour earlier than normal! But that’s all good and class is over at 10:30, leaving time for a second cup of coffee before afternoon activities that got moved to the morning. Because following a schedule is for whimps and North Americans.

Ok, 12:30 lunch time, except twenty minutes late because someone forgot to get our awesome and over-worked cook a helper for the morning. So after helping serve, I scarf my food and head downstairs for some much needed introvert time. But on the stairs, I encounter my leader’s 12-year-old daughter, who’s having a really hard day and just needs to talk for a bit. I can do that! Until I see my friend sitting on a bench looking like she just wants to cry. We talk until it starts to rain, heading inside so I can change my clothes to work in the garden for a couple hours.

Chore time for me is from 2:00-4:00pm, with rotating chores every month. This month I get to be in the garden with two lovely ladies, making time to talk over the day as we pump water into the aquaponics system. Of course, one girl only speaks a little English, and it can be a bit difficult to communicate exactly what our leader told us to do for that day. But all good! Communication practice is always useful.

After thinning out cilantro in the multistory garden, my friends and I head back to the main house to change. I’m excited to do my laundry and spend some time watching a bit of tv, but I notice that my Spanish-speaking buddy is practically in tears. So I follow her into the bathroom and then sit with her as she cries silently for an hour. Not much I could do except provide a constant supply of hugs and Kleenex.

Ok, now its 5:00 and time for my one-on-one with an older volunteer on the base. With all that’s going on, I have decided I need as much guidance as I can get. She’s been working with YWAM for years, so we discuss what my priorities are as a DTS student and how to hold me accountable.

Finally dinner at 5:30. Time to eat and socialize. It’s not until 6:30 that I finish a nice chat with my DTS leader and head downstairs, hoping for some actual quiet. Thankfully, no one particularly wants to talk to me, so I get to read for 30 minutes. For once.

But the day is far from over. Next the whole group piles into the van, filling it to the brim with 16 people, and head off to the base leader’s house for some bonding. Popcorn, coconut pie, and chatting filled the next three hours, leaving us to fall into our beds at 10:00. Supposedly, but of course the 8 girls sharing my room need to chatter for a while before sleeping.

Then my alarm shakes me awake at 6:15 to go feed those chickens and start a new day of adventures. Welcome to YWAM.