Confidence

My mom never takes good photos - it's one of my dad's complaints in life. But recently we went on a hike and took some pictures, which capture my mom beautifully.

So what changed? That's easy, about 60 lbs. Now my mom doesn't have to believe my dad and I when we say she's pretty, she actually thinks it. Also, she has accomplished something that might have seemed impossible a few years ago and has lost the pain she had in her knee. Giving up many of her favourite foods has totally been a success and granted her so much in return.

Mom, thank you for this life lesson: it is worth doing the hard things. Taking the time and the effort to gain confidence, to know who I am, and to build relationships is worth it. Losing weight was a journey for you and I will use the memories to inspire me.

"I'll be here"

People and faith. The two central questions of my life.

As I settle down into a more permanent home, it's becoming rapidly clear that I can't run from either anymore. New friends need to be found, old friendships preserved, and family loved. In this I have to face the person I am and how I have changed in the past two years. Not always a nice process, but hey, could be worse.

So finally, I am able to admit that I lost my faith somewhere. Not completely, not permanently, just wandered away. There's so much pain and fear in this world that I have trouble trusting his promises. And even if I do chose to believe his promises for my life, how do I communicate that to my friends without being dismissive or compassionless? That question must have an answer, but I'm not sure what it is yet. Revisiting all my beliefs and understandings of God is certainly a good first step in my mind. Yes, all of my childhood teachings might be true, but my application certainly was not up to snuff.

I haven't wanted to admit this though. I don't want to have my Christian friends preach at me or non-Christians feel a sense of triumph as I travel to their side of the fence. Asking questions and seeking God through doubt is well established thank you very much, and I am hardly the last in this tradition.

So I told God. After all, if you're taking a break in the relationship, it helps to admit it to the other party. His answer, as far as I could tell, was "I'll be here, whenever you need me." I might not have much faith. I might not know how real God is today, but I have hope that he will be there waiting for me and guiding me back.

Holes

It’s hard to write on this blog when I’m hurting, which tends to be anytime when I leave a group of people behind. They are scattered around the world now – Japan, Finland/England, Georgia, Portland, Korea (soon). As they settle in new places, I rejoice with their adventures and, frankly, I admire their courage. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Coming “home” to find that all of my friends are everywhere else is never a simple task for me. Then again, traveling to my friends away from my family is also hard, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the main thought I have right now is that these holes in my heart are the greatest gift I’ll ever have. It’s sloppy and sentimental and silly, but hey, it’s true. 13 year old me never thought I’d have a best friend, much less 6 of them floating about. That means I will always miss them. It will always hurt. But then again, how many people have that many friends who are worth keeping in contact with? Who they can turn to if anything goes wrong? Who they can love unashamedly without worrying about hiding?

Every day, I need to be giving thanks for the holes in my heart.

Montana Adventures

As I'm sure most of you know, I am not accident prone. Sure, I trip on things, I lose things for brief periods of time, and can be very scatter-brained, but in the long run I tend to be cautious and safe. No getting hurt or taking risks and keeping pretty good track of my necessities (glasses, wallet, coat, etc.).

So, here's what happened in the past four weeks:

Week 1: I put my glasses down next to me on my bed as I read, and managed to kneel on them when I got up. They broke exactly in half, as you can see in the picture. And now, since my prescription is outdated, I need to go to an eye doctor before I can order new ones online. Yes, I can see and function without them, but then again, it's pretty annoying.

Week 2: We go skiing, which was a lot of fun, and I didn't even fall. Until walking down the icey steps outside the lodge area as we got ready to go home. My bruise from that fall was nice and round, about 2 inches across. Ouch.

Week 3: Finally given an opportunity to get my glasses fixed, one of the staff members took the big 12-seater van out on a Costco run to Missoula (about an hour and a half away, just for reference). I tagged along and made an eye appointment and everything. Unfortunately, didn't end up at that eye appointment because the we spun out on the freeway while trying to avoid a jack-knifed semi. I went through the window and had to go to the ER because I hit my head a little. One CAT scan and lots of slightly amazed nurses later, we were off to Costco, but not early enough to get my eyes checked. Seatbelts kids! We love them.

Week 4: This weekend has thus far been relatively boring. Well, all of the staff who live in town had to spend the night on the ranch because they couldn't leave, meaning we missed the Marti Gras party. Even in all of this boringness, I managed to slam my finger between two pieces of wood, giving me a slightly black fingernail and a very sore fingertip. That'll make typing on Monday great good fun.

So, those are my adventures. There have been lots of good ones too - trivia nights in town, discovering the first type of beer that I actually like, getting more tipsy than I've ever been, feeding horses, relearning to ski, playing Risk, and watching all of the Olympics. I've made good friends and learned a lot from my work (my supervisor is amazing!). Still, interesting all of the random things that can happen, isn't it?

Rag Dolls

My freshman year of college I went through a poetry phase. I haven't written a verse since, but the ideas I came up with then, though clumsily written, manage to reflect my current thoughts. As I'm graduating and thinking about my "dream" job (and life), identity keeps coming up. It feels as if I just keep adding pieces and dropping others as I find what works and what doesn't. It's an interesting process and this little poem kinda says how I think about it.

Who am I?

The never-ending question,

So we watch,

We learn,

We see things we like,

Pick them up,

Use them,

Make them a part of us.

Perhaps a mannerism here,

A favorite song there.

All of us,

Little rag dolls,

Made from memories,

Observations,

A collection of pieces

Picked up from others

Weaving us together,

Our identities,

Inseparable.

VoteSmart

Ten weeks in Montana on a ranch 12 miles down a mostly unused road with no cell reception and a room door that doesn't enjoy the idea of closing. It's going to be an adventure, but it already has potential to include both working hard and a lot of laughing. Here's an idea of my new home:

Turkey tracks. The guy in charge of the property has decided to feed a local flock of wild turkeys, so now they know to head down to the barn every morning for breakfast. I view them as "mildly domesticated." Other critters include the lodge cat and the four ranch horses. 

Here's the barn. My roommate and I fed the horses today, which was a lot of fun. All of them are adorably fuzzy, as is appropriate for this much snow. All the snow. I want snow shoes.  

Moose Lake. Haven't seen a moose yet, but apparently they pop up occasionally.

Basically it is gorgeous and peaceful here. I'm excited to do some more exploring after I get used to the altitude a bit more. Definitely an altitude wimp here.

Musings on Javert

All of us have presuppositions about the moral foundations of the world. Some have articulated these ideas clearly, but most simply work off of cloudy ideas that we learned in childhood or from knowledge accumulated in our lives. School, work, religion, friends, family - these all influence how we define morality. Anyone who crashes into a situation that contradicts these presuppositions suddenly finds themselves on shaky ground.

I find myself thinking a lot about Javert recently. An honest man, but fatally flawed. He could not adjust his foundational ideas when confronted with more profound truth. Grace could not coexist with justice. Love could not be a law. Black and white had to rule, with no room for grey.

All of us have Javert moments when it feels as if the world has been turned inside out. I'm sure it is rare for reality to mirror the clarity of Les Mis, but still, every day holds the possibility of a challenge to our beliefs.

My hope and prayer is to never act like Javert. To accept grace instead of giving up. Our presuppositions can only take over our lives if we allow them.