Learning to Laugh

Always be willing to laugh at yourself.

It's advice I've always heard, but never put into practice. Criticism has mostly seemed to need more respect than simple laughter - even joking. So when someone tries to tease me about one of my flaws, I don't tease back. Instead I go into a spiral of sad self-doubt and insecurity, because all shortcomings must be fixed.

However, the other day my boyfriend was teasing me about something, and I choose to laugh instead of spin off into a puddle of sad. It made so much difference. Now, this is a joke instead of something to be gulity about. Something we can talk together about instead of me attempting to hide. And something I can monitor and fix with his support instead of me working alone. What a wonderful feeling!

There are definitely times when I need to seriously consider my failures, but other times, laughter is the best way to go. Interesting life lesson for me.

Perfect in Love

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
- John 4:18

Being a child of God means I am perfectly loved. God loves me in every moment of all of my days. When I am lonely, he loves me. When I doubt, he loves me. When I feel inadequate, he still manages to love me. This is more than the loving patience of my parents, it’s so strong it casts out fear.

Therefore, as a child of God, I have no need to worry about my future. It holds whatever God wants it to contain. If God wants me in grad school, he will make that clear – hopefully by setting some sort of passion in my path to actually study. If he wants me to be hopping around everywhere, I can do that too. It’s God’s life, not mine. The only job he has given me is to become more perfect in love – becoming more faithful and less afraid. Yes, my occupation could have a role in this, but it is not my primary function. Thank the Lord!

Child of God

“So then, the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.”
Galatians 3:24-26

Most Christians have heard that they are children of God. As a church, we enjoy claiming this gift because it brings us into closer relationship with God, giving us a starting point from which to define our relationship.

Now, imagine a world where all Christians actually lived like that. Our value and identity would come from God alone instead of from our work, looks, successes, hobbies, and even our earthly family. This tends to preclude nasty things like arrogance, greed, and competition. Yes, we would need enough to survive, but past that we wouldn’t need any more stuff.

Yes, this was a simple and short post, but I want to be thinking every day about what being a child of God really means. I want to put my value in him instead of in the world. It’s a powerful idea that the church has not explored to its fullest extent. In fact, it is the place that all Christians need to consider as they walk with God. The moment a person accepts Christ, God adopts them as a child. He is their guardian – not the law and not the church. Identity comes straight from him, as if each Christian bears his name instead of individual surnames.

Value Problem

Over the years, I have connected my self-worth to academics. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if it hadn’t been for my boyfriend and the constant reminder that I am not a terribly academically minded person. I mean, I don’t particularly want to be a valedictorian, but I am filled with jealousy of the idea of him claiming that special honour. Part of it is that I selfishly think that I could be there, but I studied at Oxford and “killed” my GPA. But that is just a petty excuse – the real problem goes far deeper.

It turns out that I am unable to comprehend that I am a valuable person if I cannot be the best at something, particularly academics. Some people handle this sort of jealousy with ease and are able to shrug it off, maybe with a small pang. Not me. I get extremely frustrated with the people I can’t “beat,” growling at them in anger if they try to help me. I don’t want assistance – it hurts my pride – but they hear my irritation as a plea for a problem-solver. It’s really a cry for meaning, for someone to tell me that I really do mean more than just my academic standing. Maybe even encourage me that there is a job that I could do well.

All that to say, I apparently have a value problem. However, I refuse to be bitter and competitive, jealous of others’ success and always dissatisfied with my life. So, I’m going to try doing a month of blogs of what it means to have value in God. Fundamentally, I am a child of God and nothing can take that from me. I’ll probably focus primarily on single Bible verses, which is not particularly theologically sound, but I hope to pick out themes that are reflected in other parts of the Bible. And maybe, just maybe, I will actually remember to complete this project now that I have shared it with you.

Thoughts on Surrender

Freshman year of college I went through a questioning phase, which was the inspiration for this blog and its title. I used to cover my hands in writing, hoping that if I wrote out my questions the answers might appear. Well, they didn't, but this is an example of my stubborn drive to question God. For years I've used independence as a protection from loneliness as I did my own thing instead of feeling left out when my friends did things without me. Basically, I don't like the concept of surrender and I generally fight against it as much as possible.

However, at Grace Baptist this week the sermon (after the Memorial Day speech) was about submitting to God. The pastor noted that:
- Understanding our lack of control is an essential quality of maturity
- "Remember, you will always lose when you enter into war with God"

What does it mean to surrender to someone? I always believed that those who live their lives in submission are minions of their masters. Probably much of this comes from my staunchly feminist mom, but it is truly hard for me to see the beauty in surrender. Questioning and struggling are a part of growth, but they are parts of independence and freedom, rather than submission.

It seems as if the Bible says that submission leads to freedom and growth, allowing independence to fall to the wayside. But that's not a parallel for life. Yes, we need community, but community can also stifle if it becomes a crutch. At least, that's how I've always seen it. I often think that my best work is done alone, without the help of others.

Surrender to God and you will find peace. How many times have I heard this phrase? But how can I properly surrender without giving up? The two ideas are mutually exclusive, but apparently not. Perhaps there is a way to keep questioning without being independent of God. Asking questions has always been my challenge to God, but shoving him away hasn't gotten me closer to answers.

I think I am confusing two different types of surrender: submission to God and submission to man. The first is good, the second is not exactly my idea of a healthy life. My life, my mind, is my own, not my future husband's or my father's. Sometimes I feel like I struggle constantly with maintaining my own identity outside of a patriarchal culture and I take this stubbornness into the way I approach Christianity. God is not human. He is perfectly trustworthy and wholly loving, so surrender to him could be the most beautiful part of life.

I'll probably struggle with surrender and trust my entire life, especially as I see the lure of independence and the lack of complications it appears to give. That's why this post is so disjointed and a bit odd. I'm just not entirely sure what surrendering means, but I think it is important both in my relationship with others and in my walk with God.  

Memorial Day

Today, Grace Baptist honored those in the congregation who had served in the armed forces. Honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Part of it is that I am close to a pacifist and I don't particularly like war or anything that comes close to honoring it. However, this was different - not praising war, but saluting people. I may not understand the reason why anyone would want to join the armed forces, but that is because I am a selfish, stubborn kid who has no interest in going to bootcamp. The scarfice of others who defend my country is precious to me and recognizing it in all communities is important. Hence Memorial Day.

But I think the church has a responsibility to accompany praise of soldiers with a prayer for peace. As precious as the service of troops is for the country, I would prefer they weren't needed. The suffering of was has no place in the world and it is a primary responsibility of the church to encourage peace.

This idea was completely absent from Grace Baptist's service. Other than that, I appreciated the sermon and the way it memorialized veterans. However, at the end, what if it had had a prayer for peace? What if in churches we could find a balance between supporting sacrifice and encouraging peace?

Graduating

I'm graduating in six and a half months.

That's half a year folks. Until I will be out of school, possibly for good.

Some people cheer about this, but I personally like school. I'm pretty good at it, not the absolute best, but good enough to get noticed. It's pretty fun and, frankly, I'm not gonna fail at it. Perhaps not do as well as I would like, but if I work hard my grades will come out ok. Leaving academics is a sad thought for me, and while I could go to grad school and get my masters and so on, I'm not sure I actually care enough to do so. There is no one topic that fascinates me to the point where I would give up years of my life to pursue it, so no grad school for me! (Yet anyway. No promises. Wouldn't be surprised if I went back to school for fun if I had the money).

All this to say that I am graduating and I have no plan. None at all. And I'm scared stiff. I've always had a plan: middle school to high school to college to job. Now that I'm at the job part, everything seems a but more challenging. I don't know what to do with my degree and I don't know what I want to do with my life. There are so many choices, and yet I don't really want to do any of them. Part of that is just whining, who really wants to be working anyway, but part of that is legitimate confusion. So many people seem to have plans and I'm that little kid with the useless degree. In fact, that degree that my parents and grandparents paid for - what if I don't use it? What if I let them down? Normally I would wrap this up with a hopeful note about God and prayer and Happy Things, but I don't have any at this moment. I just got home, why am I going to be leaving it again in only six months? It'll all be ok, somehow, but the transition isn't going to be easy in any case.